I did a bad, bad thing


I have written a lot about the fucked up dynamic I have with a person in my life. I published those thoughts, and by publish I mean posted them to this blog — not the fancy book kinda publishing, but I digress. And when I felt too exposed, I depublushed them. Grammarly is telling me depublished is not a word, but I am making it a word. Unpublish is the act of never being published, depublished is taking that shit back because it was once published. I don’t digress very well.

I didn’t trash them and for that, I’m more proud about because I am the opposite of a collector, I am a purger. If anyone has a better term for it, I will take it. Maybe a decollector? Oh, that’s not a word either. I am on a roll. The reason I am proud is that when you decollect things from your life, you will forget them a lot easier and therefore have less reflection on things that you may realize you should’ve let sit for a bit longer. I will delete text threads, pictures, blog entries (duh), social media accounts, emails, etc. I could lose my phone and only be upset by the financial aspect of replacing it. I mean I have a backup, but if you saw how small it was you’d probably laugh.

Anyway, let me get to the point that I’ve already half lost. I have crossed myself by continuing a dynamic with someone I know isn’t healthy for me. But I am finding it’s harder to stop and forgive myself of this than to let it continue. It’s like a drug and the irony in that is not lost on me because I haven’t let anyone have this much of a hold on me and I am the most straight edge person I know. I don’t drink, do drugs, take anything that could be classed as a controlled medication, or smoke cigarettes. The coffee I drink daily is up for debate, but I bet I drink less than you if you are a coffee drinker. Nanah Nanah Boo Boo…

So I got myself in an unhealthy power play dynamic where I continually go back and forth between telling him off and not wanting anything more to deal with him and then I’ll text him and it starts all over. I know the only healthy thing I can do is end it. Full stop. Unfortunately, I keep not doing that. I think I do it. I think I am ready to choose my happiness and wellbeing over him, but then I don’t.

Photo by Eric Ward on Unsplash

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