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I don’t mind, I don’t mind this wasted, shaded daylight

I could learn photography. That could be something to want.

So last night I wrote up a post entitled Possibilities. It was my third post yesterday. It’s odd, it seems the more solitude I collect, the more content I produce. Well, before I get too off track, I have more to share that touches the topic of that post.

For a few years now, I have struggled with what I want to do to become the stable, independent best version of myself. I have felt my only real ticket to that was to have a college degree. Well, one that I would actually put to use. I have gone from writer, teacher, neuroscientist, photographer, university professor, social worker, psychologist, cryptologist … you get the picture. I am like an astute 7-year-old planning out my dream careers.

The other day, I went to my college’s website and did what I have done a few times before – looked at the degree programs to see what sparked my interest that wasn’t like the former that I took in and shortly discarded after. I saw a program for Health Information Technology – basically a technician who keeps both paper and electronic records for doctor’s offices or hospitals.

The average pay is decent, I worked as a pharmacy technician for years so it’s something I know I would be decent at. It’s practical. And if I wanted to further my career with it, I could go into Health Administration and potentially become a director of a department or hospital. And the higher up, the steeper the pay.

My mom loves the idea. And wants me to go for it. Unlike the times when I would tell her I want to be a psychologist or neuroscientist.

Then yesterday I was texting with my best friend and this is what happened:

Me: Yeah, I think I am going to go exploring. Take some photos or something.

Lexa: Photography is something you can do. Go into business for yourself.. start small and once you get extra cash, invest in equipment or find someone who will invest in you.

Me: I have thought about it, but I am shy, insecure about my talent and I know nothing about being my boss. Lmao

Lexa: Me and you are alike. We can’t work for others. It stifles our happiness.

She then goes on to tell me to do research and look into taking out a small business loan. Love her, but no. I have 2,000 in credit card debt, unpaid hospital bills, student loan debt that I have spent more $$ into now than I originally borrowed and still have over a few thousand to go.

She had mentioned be careful who you tell your dreams to, which is correct. Negative Nellys need not know. But I am not unhappy working for someone else if I feel appreciated, empowered, and can make enough to live – not just survive.

I have always been a great employee even if I have felt unhappy. And the reason I leave a job is usually the lack of pay or the type of work. I have only really not cared for 3 bosses in my entire working career.

It’s not fear that is stopping me from being my boss, it’s the fact I don’t think I would enjoy any endeavour if I was in a CEO/CFO position on top of the services I’d offer. I truly admire small business entrepreneurs, I just know I’d flop at it.

I love taking photos. And if I could do this life over, I’d be a fashion photographer. But again, I am insecure of my talent and I doubt I’d make it to Vogue which has always been a dream of mine, more of a fantasy.

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